After getting married and moving away from all things familiar (except Nate) I retreated very deep in my self. I have wondered if this wasn't the start of a depression I put myself in. This was hard on Nate as I wasn't the same person he met at school. But God in his goodness was using this to mold and change both Nate and I.
When our 1st child was born I was able to look a little out of myself. (Kids have a way of doing that to you). But we were in the midst of moving to a new home and a new church, so I kept inside. Now this was still all fear, but it was turning more and more into pride as I was able to get through days and make new friends and continue with life. I was in control (so I thought) of things and my emotions were not going to get the better of me. I wanted to appear as that "good wife and mother". I was fooling myself and most people, but God and Nate new better.
When my second boy came along I had post-partum depression that went undetected for 2 years. This was all compounded by various job changes and major trouble with our marriage. God really used Nate and my mom during this time. They kept loving me in all the ugliness, just as Christ does.
The step just before the darkest time was the spring of 2005. Nate had quit his job in order to start a business, I just found out I was pregnant again, I was still nursing Peter and various other things that God was using to shake me to my core.