As I look for and strive to see light in my life I find the darkness gets darker.
Now, I have seen darkness in physical and emotional areas of my life and that darkness was very black. But I experienced a darkness in my soul/spirit the other night that scared me. It was unlike anything I have seen before.
It is hard to describe, but I will try my best to explain it to you. (If you need more clarification feel free to ask)
The day was hard; my kids disobeyed at least 200 times, I got angry and yelled and screamed like a bad wife and mother, my neighbors mocked and laughed at my family, my house was a pig sty. But this wasn't the darkness. I climbed into bed exhausted, ready to sleep and then it hit...
I was wide awake, I could hear everything going on outside - neighbors, cars, lights, dogs, crickets. I could also hear everything going on inside - husband snoring, house creaking, kids rolling over, a fly buzzing around, maybe a mouse?. It seemed my mind was in a high state of awareness. But my reaction to it was not good. There was a sense of pure wrath in my soul.
Everything that passed through my mind was filtered through this rage. I honestly wanted to hurt something - if not kill it. This feeling scared me to death! I closed my eyes and tried to pray as I knew this was sin, but I was paralyzed to do anything. So in my mind I screamed out to God, "STOP IT!"; even tho I knew he wasn't the one doing this to me.
I don't remember what happened to bring this to an end, but 2 hours later I was fine. I had no more fear or anger, no more tension or rage, no more alertness or racing of my mind. I was able to fall asleep and to be rested when morning came.
Some may chalk this up to too active of an imagination, but I think this was honestly a demonic attack on my soul. A Christian can never be possessed by a devil, but he can be oppressed. Needless to say, I now know a depth that my sinful soul can go to and I don't want to be there ever again!
My prayer is that God would continue to show me the depths of my sin (hopefully not to that extreme), but remind me over and over of the love he has for me in Christ. I want to be thankful for where I am and what he has done for me.