July 17, 2008

History, part 4...

Now you might be wondering what light I am talking about. There were 2 kinds in my life at that time: light in the physical where I could think and feel well and normal, and light in the spiritual where I saw God or at least was able to trust him when there was darkness.

I couldn't see anything for a time in the midst of the darkness. During that darkest hour nothing got through. Then 1 crack of light appeared - it was very, very small. Through it I was able to see the fact that God still loved me. This was extremely comforting as the darkness can make you think and feel like there is nothing, absolutely nothing to hold on to. It will take you to the point of despairing of life itself.

I started reading a book by Sam Storms, The Singing God. It is based off of Zephaniah 3:17 which says, "The Lord God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you with his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." So I spent almost 1 year in that little minor prophet book of Zephaniah.

Then God used Nate to show me the depth of his love for me. He took Nate through so much and gave him the ability and desire to love me through this horrible time. He allowed Nate to show me that I didn't deserve any of that love, but that he still chose to love me. I wasn't allowed to escape it or turn it away. Nate wasn't going anywhere. And that is how God loves me.

Slowly the darkness has lifted and now I see the light clearer. God has shown more and more of himself to me. Now I have cloudy, stormy days, but the darkness hasn't come back.

My hope is that I can fully believe the saying from Charles Spurgeon that my tough days and trials are just "drops of sorrow from clouds of mercy". The sun is always behind the clouds!


  1. oh...I got chills. Thanks for sharing your story Gwin

  2. I'm enjoying learning more about you. Thanks for sharing. Does it feel good to process it and get it written down? I always discover something new when I do that. :-)

  3. So good Gwyn . . . you really express "moans" I've never put into words - I love that about you.